Wednesday, October 31, 2007  

Religion is based, I think, primarily and mainly upon fear. It is partly the terror of the unknown and partly, as I have said, the wish to feel that you have a kind of elder brother who will stand by you in all your troubles and disputes. […] A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men.
-– Bertrand Russell


"For every wild everything-depends-on-it first-week-of-being-madly-in-love kiss on a street corner, for every beautiful woman stopping to feel the sun on her face and every child dancing in clean rain, there's a kid living in its own shit in a dumpster somewhere while Daddy sells his ass for milk money, tanks breaking down unwanted houses just to stop homeless people squatting there - Time was this place didn't make sense and I could live with it. Either it's changed, or I have"
--Spider Jerusalem

   [ posted  @ 1:47 PM ] [ (0) comments ]

"the best thing to do with a hypothesis is to let it run any course it pleases. now, at least, i was expanding my life, and it was wonderful. my hand weren't empty anymore. here i was-alive, and i could feel it. it was real. i wasn't being consumed any longer. or at least there was a part of me in existence that was not being consumed, and that was what gave me this intensely real feeling of being alive. a life without that feeling might go on forever, but it would have no meaning at all. i saw that with absolute clarity now."

-haruki murakami
in:
"sleep"

   [ posted  @ 5:00 PM ] [ (0) comments ]

he didn't turn of his cell phone, even though he was asked to turn it off when he first arrived. people have trouble following the simplest directions when they are concentrating on something. i am sure that i am the same way. hell, i have trouble remembering to do important things when my mind is focusing on something stupid. importance does not matter i suppose. when you are focused on one things, all other things are out of focus.

the ring on the phone was not bad. it was not even a ring. just the chirp, from those instant connection service. i am not sure what you call it, but i know that they refer to the noise as a chirp. so, his phone chirped a few times. obviously someone was interested in getting in touch with him and had no idea what his plans were for the afternoon. after a few failed attempts the phone began to ring with a audio ring tone. i would assume this was signaling the owner that there was a voicemail waiting for him or there was a missed chirp. either way, ever five seconds this ring tone would play. loud enough to penetrate the semi-soundproof glass of the testing room. loud enough to bother me in my office.

normally i don't have to wear ear plugs at work. with this loud bastard of a tone playing every five seconds, i was forced to stuff my ears in an attempt to escape it. they worked well enough. i achieved silence. and was reminded the there is no such thing as silence.

there was the static of silence. the hiss, indescribable hiss, that exists in the absence of sound. after focusing on this hiss, the other sounds started to erupt faintly into my mind. growing steadily they reached a level that could not be ignored. my stomach and bowels slowly digesting my lunch. the protest of my body over the copious amounts of hot sauce i had consumed. then the primordial pulse, given to our species through the ages. the flowing of blood. the rhythm to which we function. always there and seldom heard this continues with or without our knowledge. it started faintly as a dull thump, like a coin hitting a thick carpet. not many people would notice, unless they were trying to hear it. i noticed it. i noticed its intensity grow.

the drumming eventually overwhelmed me. the very basis of my life was too much for me to handle. the ear plugs were ripped from their place; i resigned myself to the offensive ring tone.

   [ posted  @ 2:37 PM ] [ (0) comments ]

nothing much to report. though i have felt like i am dying. not an imminent sort of death, but something instead that is slowly creeping in deliberate fashion towards me. i am not sure what it means, and i am not sure why i feel like that at the moment. it is however how i feel, so i guess that is enough importance to mention it.

"I told Miss Locey that I still needed to hear from the God that had betrayed me. An explanation would not be enough. An apology would not be enough. I need for that God to look up to me, I said. I needed for him to have to tilt his head way back to look up at me, exposing his throat."

-amy hempel
from 'rapture of the deep'
found in: the collected stories of amy hempel
i recommend that you purchase this.

   [ posted  @ 7:22 PM ] [ (0) comments ]

we used to love ourselves
we used to love one another

soon enough 'the breast' is going to be done with everything
and i won't have to waste my time thinking about the pointless aspects of life
well i am sure that i will still waste time
but no on her, not anymore

----------------
Now playing: Marilyn Manson - Great Big White World
via short people from spain

   [ posted  @ 2:47 PM ] [ (0) comments ]

when you are skeletally thin, and you remind a person more of a corpse than of a living human being chances are that you suffer from a warped body image. people like this are starting to scare me senseless. there is almost no middle ground, just as there is almost no middle class left, the polar extremes of obese and anorexic have consumed the majority. i really shouldn't bother ranting about it, i couldn't possibly give less of a shit about other people and how they choose to die. i don't want someone telling me which way i should die, so i try my best not to tell others.

of course people get uppity about 'way to die.' they don't want to deal with the grand concept that one day they are going to be an empty shell. i am honestly fine with it, regardless of what happens afterwards. immortality is a frightening prospect, and a waste of time. i like the idea of blissful emptiness of non-existence. forget all those weak concepts of punishment and pleasure in some second life or form of existence. if you show me hard evidence of it i might give it thought, but evidence doesn't exist whether you want to believe or not. corpses, dressed up to die. where is the value of vanity now?

   [ posted  @ 10:23 AM ] [ (0) comments ]

   [ posted  @ 6:56 PM ] [ (0) comments ]

envision my new lappy
envision it in my room
whee
free overnight because the online system botched the job
oh well

----------------
Now playing: Velvet Acid Christ - Hell One
via the slackening of my sanity

   [ posted  @ 11:01 AM ] [ (0) comments ]

new lappy goodness

Inspiron 1520
Intel® Core™ 2 Duo T7250 (2.0GHz/800Mhz FSB/2MB cache), Genuine Windows® XP Home $1,870.00 1 $1,870.00
Inspiron 1520 Intel® Core™ 2 Duo T7250 (2.0GHz/800Mhz FSB/2MB cache)
[223-3191]
System Color Jet Black
[313-5395]
Memory 2GB Shared Dual Channel DDR2 at 667MHz
[311-7215]
LCD Panel Glossy, widescreen 15.4 inch display (1280x800)
[320-5460]
Video Card 256MB NVIDIA® GeForce® 8600M GT
[320-5639]
Hard Drive Speed: 120GB SATA Hard Drive (7200RPM)
[341-5556]
Operating System (Office software not included) Genuine Windows® XP Home

Network Card and Modem Integrated 10/100 Network Card and Modem
[430-0493]
Adobe Software Adobe® Acrobat® Reader 8.1
[420-7468]
Combo or DVD+RW Drive CD writer / DVD player (Combo Drive)
[313-5196]
[420-6464]
Sound Card High Definition Audio 2.0
[313-4783]
Wireless Networking Cards Dell Wireless 1390 802.11g Mini-Card
[430-2307]
Camera No Webcam Option
[320-5692]
Office Productivity Software (Pre-Installed) Microsoft Works 8. DOES NOT INCLUDE MS WORD
[412-0915]
Anti-Virus/Security Suite (Pre-installed) I chose Security with Value, Plus,or Premium Warranty Bundle
[462-3905]
Battery Options 85Whr Lithium Ion Battery (9 cell)
[312-0526]
Limited Warranty, Services and Support Options DellCare Plus

Dial-Up Internet Access 6 Months of America Online Membership Included
[412-0933]
[412-0934]
[412-0935]
Digital Media Editing Software Yahoo! Music Jukebox - Music Player
[412-0943]
Doms Camera Module Jet Black color w/o Camera
[320-5841]
Processor Branding Intel® Core™2 Duo Label
[310-8319]
Labels Windows XP™
[310-8624]
DataSafe Online Backup Free 3 GB Online Backup for 1Yr

   [ posted  @ 12:57 AM ] [ (0) comments ]